tectonic realism
Joined: 09 Mar 2006
Posts: 34
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| Posted: Wed Mar 15, 2006 12:40 am Post subject: Bushs' Competence |
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US Government Battles to Convince Skeptical Citizens of Competence—Designs Cape
By PygmyDart
WASHINGTON D.C.- US authorities finally acknowledged today that a growing number of its citizens think they're being led by a gang of morons.
"Any time you hear the phrase 'intelligence failure' that many times in one week, it's not good," said Steven, a postal worker for 22 years. "I'm a government employee, so I'm in the belly of the beast, so to speak. I'm at the heart of the operation, under the bell jar, in the trenches of a little thing we like to call the 'US government.' Yep, I have seen the deepest valley and the highest mountain top and I can tell you, it ain't pretty, folks."
President Bush wearing the wrong cape, officials explain, "He got ahead of himself again".
"I don't want to think my government doesn't know what it's doing," said Angela, a housewife and mother of an 8-month-old boy. "When I look at Bush taking questions, I think, 'Maybe he'll give a direct answer to this question,' but he never does.
He always makes a rash over-generalization, repeats his answer to the last question or ignores the question entirely. I voted for that guy. How will I be able to explain that to my child? Canada is looking better every day."
The Bush administration responded by citing a recent government poll showing the president's approval rating miraculously back up to 90%, his highest rating since just after the September 11 attacks.
"Our numbers don't lie," said McClellan. "Our polls are conducted by some very loyal and hygienic Texans, only a handful of which are campaign contributors."
"I wish everyone would stop being so uptight,” he continued. “He knew what he was saying, he didn't know what he was saying. I mean, what's the big deal?"
To reinforce this point, McClellan announced that the president is being fitted for a cape that he will wear every time he appears in public. It will be black with the Great Seal of the United States on the back. The original design requested by the president had flames coming off the Seal and a large "W" superimposed over the top, but a more conservative, watered-down version won final approval when objections were raised about upsetting other top administration officials.
"We don't want to make it *too* cool or everyone will want one," said McClellan, "and the next thing you know, Senators will be showing up to work in designer helmets and chest logos. You have to be proactive and exercise restraint when you're talking about the dress code. It's not like troop movements or speech writing where you can play it by ear."
President Bush gave his first conference with the cape this morning, adding flourishes when walking to the podium and standing with his fists on his hips when taking questions from reporters.
"There! Is this the look of an incompetent?" said President Bush through a clenched grin, one eyebrow raised. "Let's see who doubts me now!"
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